I am not proud of what I have done nor will it bring me any joy, but watching Apsenniel put herself in danger for my sake has become more than I can bear. I so desperately want to keep her safe and yet the thought of her imperilling her life to save me because I have fallen to keep her safe......it destroys me. I do not doubt that she would attempt to overcome any obstacle to rescue me and that...........is not acceptable. Not at the cost of her life.
Speaking to Red about Arrakech, I realised how much in danger we will be. How can I keep her safe, if she insists on coming after me while I try to discharge the duty Red has asked of me? I feel such fear at that thought. I cannot sleep.
When I entered the dream of the golden elf, I saw a world so bright, so beautiful, it overwhelmed me. I realised how far from her I am. How far from walking in light I am. Nin rochben en dae she calls me, yet I am weak. When I look at Rurik, at the Paladins, at Tyriel, at Lazarus and at Duibhre, I see capable people worth saving. That isn't me. I'm a shield, nothing more.
The fortune Taci'bien read for me told of betrayal. The pain in Apsenniel's voice when she thought of how she might hurt me, what others might make her to do me. That again was unbearable. Why should she be tormented by such thoughts when she has burden's enough already? I do not believe that she ever could do such a thing and yet...........and yet, she worries. It is too much.
It took a lot of alcohol to do what I did. Although not too much to make it impossible. Fitting in some respects that Taci'bien should be the means by which I debased myself. She seemed to enjoy herself enough not to notice my discomfort or feigning of delight. Liora seemed utterly oblivious. They hurt me, but probably less than I deserved. The experience was disturbing. Not even possessing the gratification of the women we'd buy after battle when I served with the Wolverines. I like Taci'bien and there is a sickness in my stomach about how I have used her. But it is done now and I have only begun to face the consequences.
The look on her face when I told her. I do not believe this can be forgiven and it should not be. To put me beyond betrayal and Apsenniel beyond guilt. At least I can defend her now knowing she will let me be unless circumstances permit an easy and safe rescue. That is a measure of peace. And she will feel no sadness when I am gone. Another pain spared her.
Maybe my presence on campaigns will keep her away? That is a comforting thought, but an unlikely reality, because she will go wherever she is needed regardless. Still, it could happen.
I have snuffed out the only light in my life for the sake of it continuing to burn for a world that needs it.
I can live with the consequences of my actions as long as she continues to live.
I will defend her as a shadow and then at least I will be half of what she thought me to be. Of the shadows. But not a knight.
I will miss her terribly.
Speaking to Red about Arrakech, I realised how much in danger we will be. How can I keep her safe, if she insists on coming after me while I try to discharge the duty Red has asked of me? I feel such fear at that thought. I cannot sleep.
When I entered the dream of the golden elf, I saw a world so bright, so beautiful, it overwhelmed me. I realised how far from her I am. How far from walking in light I am. Nin rochben en dae she calls me, yet I am weak. When I look at Rurik, at the Paladins, at Tyriel, at Lazarus and at Duibhre, I see capable people worth saving. That isn't me. I'm a shield, nothing more.
The fortune Taci'bien read for me told of betrayal. The pain in Apsenniel's voice when she thought of how she might hurt me, what others might make her to do me. That again was unbearable. Why should she be tormented by such thoughts when she has burden's enough already? I do not believe that she ever could do such a thing and yet...........and yet, she worries. It is too much.
It took a lot of alcohol to do what I did. Although not too much to make it impossible. Fitting in some respects that Taci'bien should be the means by which I debased myself. She seemed to enjoy herself enough not to notice my discomfort or feigning of delight. Liora seemed utterly oblivious. They hurt me, but probably less than I deserved. The experience was disturbing. Not even possessing the gratification of the women we'd buy after battle when I served with the Wolverines. I like Taci'bien and there is a sickness in my stomach about how I have used her. But it is done now and I have only begun to face the consequences.
The look on her face when I told her. I do not believe this can be forgiven and it should not be. To put me beyond betrayal and Apsenniel beyond guilt. At least I can defend her now knowing she will let me be unless circumstances permit an easy and safe rescue. That is a measure of peace. And she will feel no sadness when I am gone. Another pain spared her.
Maybe my presence on campaigns will keep her away? That is a comforting thought, but an unlikely reality, because she will go wherever she is needed regardless. Still, it could happen.
I have snuffed out the only light in my life for the sake of it continuing to burn for a world that needs it.
I can live with the consequences of my actions as long as she continues to live.
I will defend her as a shadow and then at least I will be half of what she thought me to be. Of the shadows. But not a knight.
I will miss her terribly.
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