It is still raining. My boots are sodden and I am making slow progress as the road has quickly turned to mud. I've considered cutting across country, but there is little point before the bridge. Most of my gear is sodden and I cannot get a fire to light, but it is not cold. The night will be uncomfortable but survivable.
So I am alone with my thoughts, the ones at the forefront of my mind and the ones locked behind doors hammering to be set free.
I can understand why Lio-Ara fears what lurks within there and how I might view her as my memories return, but I do not think they will reshape me the way she thinks.
Although I do not presume they will be easily mastered.
But, I can put them to use and they need not all be painful.
Huinesse (or Sinelen to use what I suppose is his real name) had a son. What sort of father was he? What can I learn from those memories to help me be a father?
I do not believe for a moment that I will ever be a person who can live a life of peace and raise a family in such a fashion. I'm destined for battle and the end which inevitably accompanies that. I am certain Huinesse felt the same way, although it did end as he expected. How did he function as a parent given the life he lived? How did it make him feel?
Apsenniel, Lio and Lenia have all said that it is who I am now that matters and I can forge my own identity. They do not care about the man I was. This both relieves and saddens me, because I must know and master the memories of the Elf, Sinelen, also known as Huinesse.
If I do not, then I fear they will overcome me in circumstances I cannot control.
I already told Lio'Ara that I would demure from pursuing my memories if she thought it would genuinely cause her pain. I do not wish to cause pain to those I care about. I want to protect them. Not harm them. If Apsenniel felt the same, I would step back from this path, because I know she is worried about the harm it may do me. But that is my harm to master and face. However, if she felt it would harm her, I would walk away from those memories, even though I know it would cost me dearly.
I cannot leave the memories as they are though. If I do not pursue them, I must ensure they are locked away so that they cannot escape by accident and I do not know how this might be done.
So I am alone with my thoughts, the ones at the forefront of my mind and the ones locked behind doors hammering to be set free.
I can understand why Lio-Ara fears what lurks within there and how I might view her as my memories return, but I do not think they will reshape me the way she thinks.
Although I do not presume they will be easily mastered.
But, I can put them to use and they need not all be painful.
Huinesse (or Sinelen to use what I suppose is his real name) had a son. What sort of father was he? What can I learn from those memories to help me be a father?
I do not believe for a moment that I will ever be a person who can live a life of peace and raise a family in such a fashion. I'm destined for battle and the end which inevitably accompanies that. I am certain Huinesse felt the same way, although it did end as he expected. How did he function as a parent given the life he lived? How did it make him feel?
Apsenniel, Lio and Lenia have all said that it is who I am now that matters and I can forge my own identity. They do not care about the man I was. This both relieves and saddens me, because I must know and master the memories of the Elf, Sinelen, also known as Huinesse.
If I do not, then I fear they will overcome me in circumstances I cannot control.
I already told Lio'Ara that I would demure from pursuing my memories if she thought it would genuinely cause her pain. I do not wish to cause pain to those I care about. I want to protect them. Not harm them. If Apsenniel felt the same, I would step back from this path, because I know she is worried about the harm it may do me. But that is my harm to master and face. However, if she felt it would harm her, I would walk away from those memories, even though I know it would cost me dearly.
I cannot leave the memories as they are though. If I do not pursue them, I must ensure they are locked away so that they cannot escape by accident and I do not know how this might be done.
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