Daolyth's Diary - August 1113

The rain has stopped, which lifts my spirits somewhat, as does the thought that I shall only have more night outdoors. I found a toad in my boot this morning, which had clearly decided the warm, damp interior was the place to spend the night. It croaked at me as I evicted it from the boot, I presume in protest.

Something must be done about the Elves, although I know not what. By "the elves" I refer to those not of my family, but from the various other factions and places, who have yet to show the same committment to empowering the gemstone. There are some who help, but most do not understand its importance or why it should be the focus of their energies. If the Elves would co-ordinate their research and efforts into learning about our history, then Apsenniel would have the stone empowered in no time.

Instead, most of the elves have no clue, not one jot, about who they are or where they are going as a people. I would tell them that, if I thought I'd be allowed to speak at the council without being interrupted every few seconds or have someone co-opt my thoughts and speak on my behalf.

It is very frustrating.

And why does it always seem to be Elves who favour the cardinal element of Evil, who seem most motivated rather than the rest. They will, inevitably, set themselves staunchly at odds with Apsenniel, which will only serve to stymie her efforts.

I may speak to Fama, see what she suggests. She listens to me.

Daolyth's Diary - Post Moot - August 1113

It is still raining. My boots are sodden and I am making slow progress as the road has quickly turned to mud. I've considered cutting across country, but there is little point before the bridge. Most of my gear is sodden and I cannot get a fire to light, but it is not cold. The night will be uncomfortable but survivable.

So I am alone with my thoughts, the ones at the forefront of my mind and the ones locked behind doors hammering to be set free.

I can understand why Lio-Ara fears what lurks within there and how I might view her as my memories return, but I do not think they will reshape me the way she thinks.

Although I do not presume they will be easily mastered.

But, I can put them to use and they need not all be painful.

Huinesse (or Sinelen to use what I suppose is his real name) had a son. What sort of father was he? What can I learn from those memories to help me be a father?

I do not believe for a moment that I will ever be a person who can live a life of peace and raise a family in such a fashion. I'm destined for battle and the end which inevitably accompanies that. I am certain Huinesse felt the same way, although it did end as he expected. How did he function as a parent given the life he lived? How did it make him feel?

Apsenniel, Lio and Lenia have all said that it is who I am now that matters and I can forge my own identity. They do not care about the man I was. This both relieves and saddens me, because I must know and master the memories of the Elf, Sinelen, also known as Huinesse.

If I do not, then I fear they will overcome me in circumstances I cannot control.

I already told Lio'Ara that I would demure from pursuing my memories if she thought it would genuinely cause her pain. I do not wish to cause pain to those I care about. I want to protect them. Not harm them. If Apsenniel felt the same, I would step back from this path, because I know she is worried about the harm it may do me. But that is my harm to master and face. However, if she felt it would harm her, I would walk away from those memories, even though I know it would cost me dearly.

I cannot leave the memories as they are though. If I do not pursue them, I must ensure they are locked away so that they cannot escape by accident and I do not know how this might be done.

Daolyth's Diary - Post Moot - August 1113

It is raining on Amnor, although I know it to be just rain. Azurlon has fallen and there is no need for further warning's as to Tatalus presence in Lantia. We know where he is and who else he has taken from us.

I have a long march ahead of me back to the Preceptory, but have not the energy nor the will to force it over two days. Instead I will endure the tedium of the journey over three days to deposit my belongings before heading north again to Hengist's hut. They suggested at Armengar that I take a ship round the coast, but I've had enough with ships for now. The sooner my transport circle plans are implemented, the better.

More faces to carve, more friends gone. Had Giblet not stepped into the transport circle on the Friday and all but begged me not to go after Tara, Everard, Mako and Tig, I would most certainly have joined them in death. As would everyone else in that group.

More faces, although I know not who would have carved them.

Instead just those four, plus one more of Nix. Bold enough to stand off against Bezerker of Squad D for the right to spend time with Mayhem. I would not say I consider her a friend, but she personified much of what it meant to be Lion.

At least I will not have to carve Seraphim's face, although why he feels indebted to me I cannot comprehend.

I have much to think about and the time at the hut will buy me that, as it justifies my absence from Camelot and council duties for a little while. But there is the matter of Azurlon refugees to deal with on my return and I must find homes for them before winter comes.

The walk will buy me time as well. No messages on the road. No leys. No imps. Time to think of what Hengist would do and about the choices I've made.

I'm reasonably certain he'd support my decision. A chance conversation at Nixmas achieved more with the Dwarf stone in the space of a few months, than we've achieved with the Elf stone in over a year. Thanks to my friendship with Yarl, pebbles began rolling and by the time of the moot, the dwarves had the avalanche they needed. I think Hengist would consider that more than sufficient committment towards awakening the Human stone and he would rather see me apply my energies where they can do the most good.

For some reason, I've taken to think of the good one can achieve in the world as a crack one is trying to lever open. In some places, you can apply force and the crack will widen, allowing good to pass. In other's, no matter how hard you try, the crack will not move. In yet others, applying force just causes damage no matter what you do.

I feel very much like I have been applying a lot of force to part of this crack and it will not move and now I must other stop or cause damage. I choose the former and will save my energies for where I can do more good.

Such as the potential alliance with the Vipers and my duties as the Voice of the People of Lantia.

And in the fullness of time, as a father.

As for the Elves, I fear that they are truly a lost people. The cadre of famine has fallen out of balance and is too greatly weighted towards evil now. There is no shared understanding of our purpose. The Elves do not listen when I speak and most seem only to care for their own interests or those of their faction and so we underachieve. Others have appeared to continue to drive forward the agenda of supremacy, which combined with the Elves favouring Evil, cannot lead to any good end, with so many indifferent to the other aspects of the cadre or any greater purpose. Certainly not an end compatible with my nature.





I am sure that the view my ability to provide power to rituals as an asset, but one that is taken for granted rather than valued. Certainly I cannot enter into a ritual circle with people who are willing to compromise me for their own ends. Rarely have I been so unnerved inside of the seal and never felt so violated by what occurred there.
 
I will continue to protect those that I care about, in the hope that they will keep the Elves on the path of light, but I have come to accept that this is not a task in which I am willed to succeed by those I want to protect. I accept that my faculties in this regard are limited, which is reasonable grounds not to call on me, rather than it be simple contempt for my concern. I will do what I can when and I can and no more, filling my days with other tasks so I do not have chance to dwell on this.

Still, I am saddened. I would have followed them to ends of the egg each day, facing any danger, if only they'd let me know.

And so I shall find other things to protect.

Hopefully with greater success then those I failed in the past, so utterly.

I had not wanted to confront these memories alone, but now it seems I must.
Idhrenniel waits and  those memories stand before me like a yawning chasm into which I must throw myself and yet I stand at the edge afraid to step forth.

Instead I shall walk in the rain.