We have survived Arrakech and I am taking time to rest in the Unicorn's Preceptory before returning to Lantia and checking the leys to confirm all the Lions returned home safely. The transportation from the island prior to it's disappearance did not go according to plan and I was surprised to be one of the first ported from that place. To my relief, Apsenniel was transported also, but we arrived in Mauritania of all places and with a rather disparate group of individuals, some of whom proceeded to transport out to Teutonia.
An odd conclusion to a sometime's harrowing campaign.
Yet it proved a valuable experience for me.
Saturday afternoon's resolution of the alchemical problem made me realise that I don't value my own intellect enough and that many people are idiots and need to leave me in peace. When I have quiet and space to think, the speed at which my thought processes can move amazes even me. I wish I had the ability to think on my feet as some do, but I wouldn't trade the ability to think things through absolutely for that. So that suits me best. Give me space. Give me peace. Give me all the research material without anyone fiddling with all the papers or misunderstanding what I am saying and I will get whatever it that needs be thought about, done.
I like the feeling of certainty at responding to the question "how do you know this is correct?" with the answer "because I did it."
Why have I not noticed this before?
Amidst the battle on Saturday night, Apsenniel and I found time to speak about the events at Caras Estarwae. The substance of the discussion is less significant as to how I felt afterwards.
I realise that whatever I will be in this life, it will never be someone who has a home and leaves a life of peace and quiet. I will never have a family other than that of my Order, my faction and my bloodline. As much as the idea of an existence indulging myself in hours of idle and engrossing research might appeal, the only reason it does appeal is because of its scarcity. I could never live that way indefinitely. It is not in my nature. There is too much to see and do in the world. Too much that needs to change. To be challenged.
I need friends and comrades for this. I need troops at my command. That is the sort of family I need.
The discussion with Apsenniel also made me realise I was wrong, hugely presumptively so, to think that I should be the only one to worry about the other's safety. To be the only one to put themselves at risk for the other. It is not my decision to make and prejudges that another should see me as less worthy, just because I want them to do so. I have to live and die by the actions as others as much as they do mine.
I feel my confidence returning. A certainty I've not felt in some time.
An odd conclusion to a sometime's harrowing campaign.
Yet it proved a valuable experience for me.
Saturday afternoon's resolution of the alchemical problem made me realise that I don't value my own intellect enough and that many people are idiots and need to leave me in peace. When I have quiet and space to think, the speed at which my thought processes can move amazes even me. I wish I had the ability to think on my feet as some do, but I wouldn't trade the ability to think things through absolutely for that. So that suits me best. Give me space. Give me peace. Give me all the research material without anyone fiddling with all the papers or misunderstanding what I am saying and I will get whatever it that needs be thought about, done.
I like the feeling of certainty at responding to the question "how do you know this is correct?" with the answer "because I did it."
Why have I not noticed this before?
Amidst the battle on Saturday night, Apsenniel and I found time to speak about the events at Caras Estarwae. The substance of the discussion is less significant as to how I felt afterwards.
I realise that whatever I will be in this life, it will never be someone who has a home and leaves a life of peace and quiet. I will never have a family other than that of my Order, my faction and my bloodline. As much as the idea of an existence indulging myself in hours of idle and engrossing research might appeal, the only reason it does appeal is because of its scarcity. I could never live that way indefinitely. It is not in my nature. There is too much to see and do in the world. Too much that needs to change. To be challenged.
I need friends and comrades for this. I need troops at my command. That is the sort of family I need.
The discussion with Apsenniel also made me realise I was wrong, hugely presumptively so, to think that I should be the only one to worry about the other's safety. To be the only one to put themselves at risk for the other. It is not my decision to make and prejudges that another should see me as less worthy, just because I want them to do so. I have to live and die by the actions as others as much as they do mine.
I feel my confidence returning. A certainty I've not felt in some time.
